Punxsutawney Phil was just on the news and the groundhog saw his shadow so that means another six weeks of winter. Really? It's a good thing we have this scientific evidence/groundhog about how long winter will be because if not, we would all be wandering around in our winter jackets on nice spring days.
When summer came, instead of wearing bathing suits and going swimming, we'd be wearing our spring jackets and complaining about the soggy, muddy snow. In the fall, we'd be raking and burning leaves in our bathing suits and complaining about the heat.
On and on it would go until we were totally screwed up and wearing summer white in the dead of winter. On the upside, we may eventually get the right seasons matched up to what they are carrying in the stores. It's February 2nd so the bathing suits should be out at the latest by next week. Do I need a bathing suit right now? That's irrelevent. You better get one while they're there because if you think you're going to get one in the summer, you're out of your mind. In the summer they will have insulated flannel hoodies.
I don't think anybody realizes the importance of the groundhog. If it were up to me, I would give the groundhog it's own day because this shadow thing is critical to our survival. I would have a big, lavish ceremony for the groundhog and invite hoards of people to come and all the media. Oh, I know that's just a silly idea that would never work but dumber things have happened.
There would be people pushing to get in the first row and they would need to hire security to control the crowd. There would be numerous fights and you would see young ladies with tears streaming down their faces just wanting to touch Phil. The groundhog would come out in the Pope-mobile all protected with bulletproof glass and a look of "wtf?" on his face.
Now, to tell you the truth, I don't understand the groundhog show myself. First of all, is there sun out when the groundhog comes out? Let's establish that first because with no sun, there is no shadow. Has anybody actually documented this event or is it all done secretively because if it's done secretively, there is a chance that they might be pulling our leg (or pulling the groundhog's leg to get him out of his hole).
When I watched it this morning, they did not show the actual "coming out" of the groundhog. Hmmm. There was no sun either. Hmmm. Did they have bright Hollywood lights on the groundhog hole? Could that be how he saw his shadow? These are all questions that remain unanswered and will be answered on an upcoming episode of Unsolved Mysteries to be followed by a Heraldo Rivera special revealing what he found in the groundhog's hole.
Speaking of questions, how is the groundhog communicating with people? In other words, how do we know if he saw his shadow or didn't see his shadow? I didn't even know groundhogs could talk and I don't know when they became able to talk. Maybe that should be episode 2 on Unsolved Mysteries; How the groundhog went from being a little rodent animal thing to being able to talk.
When I'm a grandma I'm going to tell my grandkids how lucky they are to have talking groundhogs because when I was a kid, our groundhogs never talked. They won't believe me of course but that's because kids these days have it so easy what with talking groundhogs and all. What I can tell you for sure is that I would never put my poor little ear up to the mouth of a groundhog to listen unless I wanted to rip a hole where my ear used to be.
What about all the other rodents/animals? Are they jealous of the groundhog and all the attention it gets? What about the chipmunk? Oh, that's right, they have Chip and Dale. What about the raccoon? Raccoons look cool - they have the whole mask thing going on. Their names are even cool - raccoon. That feels good to say. Say it. It feels better than "groundhog" doesn't it? The ground and a hog put together (how about dirtpig?) - it's not even really an imaginative name for an animal/rodent thing. "Raccoon" is very imaginative.
So are the squirrels, skunks, moles, porcupines, dingos, alligators, etc. - are they all jealous? Do they try to beat up the groundhog? Could that be why the groundhog never leaves his hole? Maybe he's scared to death of getting his ass kicked by all the other vicious rodent/animals. Maybe even the birds dive bomb the poor thing.
Another question I wonder about is - how do we even know the groundhog isn't blind? He wouldn't be seeing his shadow then. He doesn't even have to be blind, he could just be blindfolded. (Like they did to the raccoon who had to cut eye holes in his blindfold.) He could be nearsighted, farsighted, have glaucoma, have a sty in his eye, or just be too darn sleepy to open his eyes - like me every morning.
I will do anything I can to avoid opening my eyes. If I knew I'd be left alone and put back in my warm bed to sleep for the rest of winter, not only would I tell everyone I saw my shadow but I'd tell them I saw Elvis waving from a spaceship surrounded by flying pigs if I knew that's what they wanted to hear. I'd yell, "STOP PULLING MY LEG AND LET ME SLEEP BEFORE I BITE YOUR EAR OFF!"