I was on the phone trying to solve a problem yesterday which is a good thing to have to do now and again because it makes you appreciate the days you're alive and not on the phone trying to solve a problem. Because of my experience yesterday, today the sun is brilliant, the flowers are bursting forth with luscious color, and the scent of my freshly mowed lawn is enough to appreciate living in the moment - any moment I'm not on the phone trying to solve a problem is a great moment to be alive!
Now I have to admit that I've been told that I am a hugely, gigantic, enormous, tremendous exaggerator so keep that in mind. Also keep in mind that I don't believe it and you don't have to either. You could ask how I can experience colorful flowers, brilliant sun, and the scent of fresh cut grass in the dead of winter when it's freezing and the ground is covered with snow but I would answer, "Who died and made you boss?" Now then, let's return to the day in question - yesterday.
It started out like any other day - picture Snow White dancing and singing in the forest with all the creatures happily helping her get dressed (or is that Cinderella dressing for the ball? whatever) and pretty birdies chirping on a brilliant, sunny day. I (Snow White/Cinderella) danced through the forest to music that somehow came out of speakers in the sky and I talked and smiled to the animals and oh, it's a wonderful life! This is the movie version of my life. In fact, the character of Snow White was based on my life.
What a tabloid would say about the way my day started was that I overslept and had a headache when I woke up. They would show a picture of me that looks like Nick Nolte's mug shot. Nobody believes what they read in tabloids though. I won't tell which is the real version of my morning because I like to retain an air of mystery which accounts for my popularity.
I had to make a phone call to try to resolve an issue I'm having in my life right now. So I get on the phone (with the birds still happily chirping to the nice music) and I wait 48 hours for a human being to answer it. Finally someone answers and her name is Kathy! I explain my issue to Kathy which is quite a complicated and involved issue so it takes me 20 minutes to explain it in a way that would be perfectly clear to Kathy.
Kathy listens intently while she plays solitaire on her computer and when she's had enough card playing time, she finally tells me I need to talk to Frederica who now handles my issue instead of Marjorie because Marjorie just had knee surgery and Julie couldn't do it because she has bunions and can't be on her feet long.
Kathy explains that she will now transfer me to Frederica. I thank Kathy who then hangs up on me. I call back and try Frederica who is away from her desk or on another call every single minute of every single day. I call and leave 27 more messages for her in a span of about 2 minutes and no Frederica return call - nada.
So I call back to the main number and ask if there's anyone else I can talk to other than Frederica. Nancy answers and asks me what my issue is. I launch into my long detailed description once again while Nancy texts a message to her daughter Alicia asking if she remembered to turn in her permission trip for her field trip. Alicia asks her what's for dinner and tells her how there was a fight at school that day and describes the whole drama. When Nancy is done texting with Alicia, she has nothing better to do so she decides to speak to me.
Nancy tells me I don't need Frederica at all and asks me who I spoke to who told me so. There's a jumble of names swirling around in my head (Nancy, Kathy, Frederica, Snow White, Marjorie, Julie, Ginger, Cinderella...) and I remember in college when it was rumored that if you didn't know anything whatsoever about the pop quiz/test they sprung on you to just pick B or C for EVERY single answer and you will pass the quiz/test. I remembered this in my time of need and realized it did me no good whatsoever in this situation so I just picked any name I could think of.
"Maryanne" I tell her. "Maryanne told me I need Frederica". Nancy tells me there is no Maryanne who works there. So I tell her it was the professor who told me. Nancy says "what?" "Was it the Skipper or Gilligan?", I ask. "NO!" Nancy's getting mad and so am I. I turn off Gilligan's Island and I ask Nancy to just name off the people who work there and I will pick one off the list.
I mean did I commit some kind of crime here? Am I trying to document my alibi? Am I supposed to be logging every detail about my life because I'm not. Phone people are always asking me who I talked to and really, I think that's just some kind of unspoken phone people code for turning the whole conversation around and into an "issue" about my memory.
I end up in tears yelling, "She's badgering the witness Your Honor!" What the hell difference does it make who told me what? Who even cares? And how did we change the subject from my issue to somebody's name? Phone people are very sly. They're so slick they can have you in tears before you even realize you can just hang up.
Here's my theory about why phone people always ask you who you talked to: they want to blame that person at the next meeting. When Kathy is about to get fired for playing solitaire instead of helping people, she wants to blame her mistakes on someone else so she needs a name. She knows this may save her job because they record every phone call - just like they do with real suspects in a crime. All Kathy has to do is document every single phone call and she can then give my name and play the recording of me pinning the crime on Frederica. I get a subpoena and testify because I'm terrified of Kathy (and all of them) and Kathy goes free. Off the hook just like that!
While I'm being badgered by Nancy and just taking it like a wimp, I get another call and caller ID shows Frederica's number. I don't even want to talk to Frederica anymore but I take her call just to get Nancy off my ass. The only way out is to turn them against each other.
"Do you know that Nancy is after your job?" I ask Frederica. Frederica says she suspected this because someone else told her the same thing. I ask her who she spoke with and VOILA! - this is karma in all its glory because SHE CAN'T REMEMBER!
At this point I can't remember anything either. I don't even remember why I called, what my own name is or what my issue is let alone who I talked to. I just want to get out of this alive. My head is spinning with names, I'm nauseated from being tossed around like a hot potato and the chirping birds are giving me such a headache that I wish Elmer Fudd would come into my world and go bird hunting. Not only am I no longer smiling or singing but I'm huddled in a ball in the corner and whimpering. I think I've lost my mind. That's the effect phone people have on me.