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This is a place to look at the humorous side of life and laugh at the everyday things we all go through and also just a view of my twisted impression on some things. Have fun and enjoy!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Hot Potato

I was on the phone trying to solve a problem yesterday which is a good thing to have to do now and again because it makes you appreciate the days you're alive and not on the phone trying to solve a problem. Because of my experience yesterday, today the sun is brilliant, the flowers are bursting forth with luscious color, and the scent of my freshly mowed lawn is enough to appreciate living in the moment - any moment I'm not on the phone trying to solve a problem is a great moment to be alive!

Now I have to admit that I've been told that I am a hugely, gigantic, enormous, tremendous exaggerator so keep that in mind. Also keep in mind that I don't believe it and you don't have to either. You could ask how I can experience colorful flowers, brilliant sun, and the scent of fresh cut grass in the dead of winter when it's freezing and the ground is covered with snow but I would answer, "Who died and made you boss?" Now then, let's return to the day in question - yesterday.

It started out like any other day - picture Snow White dancing and singing in the forest with all the creatures happily helping her get dressed (or is that Cinderella dressing for the ball? whatever) and pretty birdies chirping on a brilliant, sunny day. I (Snow White/Cinderella) danced through the forest to music that somehow came out of speakers in the sky and I talked and smiled to the animals and oh, it's a wonderful life! This is the movie version of my life. In fact, the character of Snow White was based on my life.

What a tabloid would say about the way my day started was that I overslept and had a headache when I woke up. They would show a picture of me that looks like Nick Nolte's mug shot. Nobody believes what they read in tabloids though. I won't tell which is the real version of my morning because I like to retain an air of mystery which accounts for my popularity.

I had to make a phone call to try to resolve an issue I'm having in my life right now. So I get on the phone (with the birds still happily chirping to the nice music) and I wait 48 hours for a human being to answer it. Finally someone answers and her name is Kathy! I explain my issue to Kathy which is quite a complicated and involved issue so it takes me 20 minutes to explain it in a way that would be perfectly clear to Kathy.

Kathy listens intently while she plays solitaire on her computer and when she's had enough card playing time, she finally tells me I need to talk to Frederica who now handles my issue instead of Marjorie because Marjorie just had knee surgery and Julie couldn't do it because she has bunions and can't be on her feet long.

Kathy explains that she will now transfer me to Frederica. I thank Kathy who then hangs up on me. I call back and try Frederica who is away from her desk or on another call every single minute of every single day. I call and leave 27 more messages for her in a span of about 2 minutes and no Frederica return call - nada.

So I call back to the main number and ask if there's anyone else I can talk to other than Frederica. Nancy answers and asks me what my issue is. I launch into my long detailed description once again while Nancy texts a message to her daughter Alicia asking if she remembered to turn in her permission trip for her field trip. Alicia asks her what's for dinner and tells her how there was a fight at school that day and describes the whole drama. When Nancy is done texting with Alicia, she has nothing better to do so she decides to speak to me.

Nancy tells me I don't need Frederica at all and asks me who I spoke to who told me so. There's a jumble of names swirling around in my head (Nancy, Kathy, Frederica, Snow White, Marjorie, Julie, Ginger, Cinderella...) and I remember in college when it was rumored that if you didn't know anything whatsoever about the pop quiz/test they sprung on you to just pick B or C for EVERY single answer and you will pass the quiz/test. I remembered this in my time of need and realized it did me no good whatsoever in this situation so I just picked any name I could think of.

"Maryanne" I tell her. "Maryanne told me I need Frederica". Nancy tells me there is no Maryanne who works there. So I tell her it was the professor who told me. Nancy says "what?" "Was it the Skipper or Gilligan?", I ask. "NO!" Nancy's getting mad and so am I. I turn off Gilligan's Island and I ask Nancy to just name off the people who work there and I will pick one off the list.

I mean did I commit some kind of crime here? Am I trying to document my alibi? Am I supposed to be logging every detail about my life because I'm not. Phone people are always asking me who I talked to and really, I think that's just some kind of unspoken phone people code for turning the whole conversation around and into an "issue" about my memory.

I end up in tears yelling, "She's badgering the witness Your Honor!" What the hell difference does it make who told me what? Who even cares? And how did we change the subject from my issue to somebody's name? Phone people are very sly. They're so slick they can have you in tears before you even realize you can just hang up.

Here's my theory about why phone people always ask you who you talked to: they want to blame that person at the next meeting. When Kathy is about to get fired for playing solitaire instead of helping people, she wants to blame her mistakes on someone else so she needs a name. She knows this may save her job because they record every phone call - just like they do with real suspects in a crime. All Kathy has to do is document every single phone call and she can then give my name and play the recording of me pinning the crime on Frederica. I get a subpoena and testify because I'm terrified of Kathy (and all of them) and Kathy goes free. Off the hook just like that!

While I'm being badgered by Nancy and just taking it like a wimp, I get another call and caller ID shows Frederica's number. I don't even want to talk to Frederica anymore but I take her call just to get Nancy off my ass. The only way out is to turn them against each other.

"Do you know that Nancy is after your job?" I ask Frederica. Frederica says she suspected this because someone else told her the same thing. I ask her who she spoke with and VOILA! - this is karma in all its glory because SHE CAN'T REMEMBER!

At this point I can't remember anything either. I don't even remember why I called, what my own name is or what my issue is let alone who I talked to. I just want to get out of this alive. My head is spinning with names, I'm nauseated from being tossed around like a hot potato and the chirping birds are giving me such a headache that I wish Elmer Fudd would come into my world and go bird hunting. Not only am I no longer smiling or singing but I'm huddled in a ball in the corner and whimpering. I think I've lost my mind. That's the effect phone people have on me.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Punxsutawney Phil

Punxsutawney Phil was just on the news and the groundhog saw his shadow so that means another six weeks of winter. Really? It's a good thing we have this scientific evidence/groundhog about how long winter will be because if not, we would all be wandering around in our winter jackets on nice spring days.

When summer came, instead of wearing bathing suits and going swimming, we'd be wearing our spring jackets and complaining about the soggy, muddy snow. In the fall, we'd be raking and burning leaves in our bathing suits and complaining about the heat.

On and on it would go until we were totally screwed up and wearing summer white in the dead of winter. On the upside, we may eventually get the right seasons matched up to what they are carrying in the stores. It's February 2nd so the bathing suits should be out at the latest by next week. Do I need a bathing suit right now? That's irrelevent. You better get one while they're there because if you think you're going to get one in the summer, you're out of your mind. In the summer they will have insulated flannel hoodies.

I don't think anybody realizes the importance of the groundhog. If it were up to me, I would give the groundhog it's own day because this shadow thing is critical to our survival. I would have a big, lavish ceremony for the groundhog and invite hoards of people to come and all the media. Oh, I know that's just a silly idea that would never work but dumber things have happened.

There would be people pushing to get in the first row and they would need to hire security to control the crowd. There would be numerous fights and you would see young ladies with tears streaming down their faces just wanting to touch Phil. The groundhog would come out in the Pope-mobile all protected with bulletproof glass and a look of "wtf?" on his face.

Now, to tell you the truth, I don't understand the groundhog show myself. First of all, is there sun out when the groundhog comes out? Let's establish that first because with no sun, there is no shadow. Has anybody actually documented this event or is it all done secretively because if it's done secretively, there is a chance that they might be pulling our leg (or pulling the groundhog's leg to get him out of his hole).

When I watched it this morning, they did not show the actual "coming out" of the groundhog. Hmmm. There was no sun either. Hmmm. Did they have bright Hollywood lights on the groundhog hole? Could that be how he saw his shadow? These are all questions that remain unanswered and will be answered on an upcoming episode of Unsolved Mysteries to be followed by a Heraldo Rivera special revealing what he found in the groundhog's hole.

Speaking of questions, how is the groundhog communicating with people? In other words, how do we know if he saw his shadow or didn't see his shadow? I didn't even know groundhogs could talk and I don't know when they became able to talk. Maybe that should be episode 2 on Unsolved Mysteries; How the groundhog went from being a little rodent animal thing to being able to talk.

When I'm a grandma I'm going to tell my grandkids how lucky they are to have talking groundhogs because when I was a kid, our groundhogs never talked. They won't believe me of course but that's because kids these days have it so easy what with talking groundhogs and all. What I can tell you for sure is that I would never put my poor little ear up to the mouth of a groundhog to listen unless I wanted to rip a hole where my ear used to be.

What about all the other rodents/animals? Are they jealous of the groundhog and all the attention it gets? What about the chipmunk? Oh, that's right, they have Chip and Dale. What about the raccoon? Raccoons look cool - they have the whole mask thing going on. Their names are even cool - raccoon. That feels good to say. Say it. It feels better than "groundhog" doesn't it? The ground and a hog put together (how about dirtpig?) - it's not even really an imaginative name for an animal/rodent thing. "Raccoon" is very imaginative.

So are the squirrels, skunks, moles, porcupines, dingos, alligators, etc. - are they all jealous? Do they try to beat up the groundhog? Could that be why the groundhog never leaves his hole? Maybe he's scared to death of getting his ass kicked by all the other vicious rodent/animals. Maybe even the birds dive bomb the poor thing.

Another question I wonder about is - how do we even know the groundhog isn't blind? He wouldn't be seeing his shadow then. He doesn't even have to be blind, he could just be blindfolded. (Like they did to the raccoon who had to cut eye holes in his blindfold.) He could be nearsighted, farsighted, have glaucoma, have a sty in his eye, or just be too darn sleepy to open his eyes - like me every morning.

I will do anything I can to avoid opening my eyes. If I knew I'd be left alone and put back in my warm bed to sleep for the rest of winter, not only would I tell everyone I saw my shadow but I'd tell them I saw Elvis waving from a spaceship surrounded by flying pigs if I knew that's what they wanted to hear. I'd yell, "STOP PULLING MY LEG AND LET ME SLEEP BEFORE I BITE YOUR EAR OFF!"