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This is a place to look at the humorous side of life and laugh at the everyday things we all go through and also just a view of my twisted impression on some things. Have fun and enjoy!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

I'm soooo sick

My friend Julie told me she was sick the other day and I told her, "Oh you poor thing" not because I meant it but because that's the response sick people want. When anybody says they are sick, what they are really saying is, "We're gonna play doctor whether you like it or not. I will list my symptoms while you sit there and daydream about whether or not you left the outside light on again." It's exactly the same as when I go see any doctor.

A sick person will complain relentlessly until you show sympathy so it's better to fake sympathy asap and get the sicko to shut up. Otherwise, you are in for a long list of gross symptoms. I told her I could definitely relate because I had just been sick which was actually one part of my reply that wasn't a lie.

I was so sick in the morning. Woke up with a sore throat and a head that felt like a hot air balloon. No, I am NOT exaggerating. It literally felt like someone was blowing fire into my Epcot Center sized throbbing head. If I were a character in a SyFy movie, I wouldn't be the good guy.

I drank a cup of coffee for my sore throat and waited for my ticking time bomb head to explode, hoping it wouldn't take too long because I thought maybe it would be interesting to go into the light and see what the heck all that hoopla was about.

My stupid head wouldn't explode so I wandered around the house aimlessly while waiting to see angels and Grandma Bertha who used to twist my ears for tattling on my brother. I was wondering what would happen if I decided to tattle on Grandma Bertha to God about the ear twisting because there's no way that God's cool with very painful ear twisting is there? Would God twist my ears too for tattling or would God twist Grandma Bertha's ears and let me watch and laugh?

What if God invited me to twist Grandma Bertha's ears - then what the hell would I do? It could be that whole "balance out the universe"/karma type thing but it could also be a set-up. Was God gonna see if I'd stoop as low as Grandma Bertha and then punish me for being bad? Because honestly, I really would enjoy twisting Grandma Bertha's ears and I always assumed that you get whatever you want in heaven. Another thing is, is that I'm a pretty low stooper.

I do understand that God wants all of us to take the higher road but I'm confused on the eye for an eye deal. The whole thing seems contradictory. And since I've never been the type of person to take the higher road, (I have boxes upon boxes of eyes) I'm pretty sure once I got ahold of Grandma Bertha's ears, I would twist those damn things up so tight that when I let go and they untwisted, she'd go whizzing away like a popped balloon.

So I'm pondering all of these deep philosophical thoughts and realize to my horror that I've just mixed up swear words with God thoughts and how that's not gonna get me good marks on my score card. Then I start thinking I'm in deep trouble with God now which leads to this thought: damn that Grandma Bertha - this is all HER fault!

So I layed down to moan and feel sorry for myself for becoming sick and now probably being doomed to hell and once I layed down, I realized something. Neither my throat nor my head hurt anymore! Here I thought I had the 24 hour flu and it was only the 24 minute flu.

At that point I was honestly sorry I wasn't sick because I already had planned on laying in bed all day moaning, watching tv, eating chicken soup and saltines, and enjoying it. Sometimes it's nice to be sick. Especially when you plan your sickness ahead.

Like when a friend tells you the date she is moving. You just tell her how you would love to help but you're positive you'll be sick that day. Or when you want a 3 day weekend then for sure you'll be sick on Friday. You know everyone at work knows you're lying but you don't even care because they do it too. On Monday people at work give you dirty looks for a couple hours but by the time you ask somebody to lunch, all is forgotten.

The only time I don't like being sick is when I really am sick. Then I am praying to God, Grandma Bertha, and anybody else who will listen.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Wizard of Oz

This is my first blog ever and I have no clue what I'm doing so as the mom said in Little Miss Sunshine, "You gotta let Opal be Opal" or whatever that kid's name was. Maybe it was "Oprah" because I don't hear anything.

Whatever it was, one of my friends keeps badgering me to start blogging so I'm doing it. Yes, as a matter of fact, I would jump off a bridge if she told me to because she is a bully and if I didn't jump, she'd push me. My point is - I'm just gonna let whatever comes to mind get blogged so here goes. I gotta let Judy be Judy.

I love The Wizard of Oz, even with all it's mistakes but I've always been suspicious of those munchkins. They appear to be so happy and sweet but I don't think they are what they appear. Think about what they did to Dorothy.

She falls from the sky and wants to get back home so they do some fancy singing and dancing and get rid of her. Do those lollipop guys look nice to you? Because I'm afraid of them. They celebrate the fact that Dorothy just killed someone. This reminds me of gang or mob related activity.

So they send her off on the yellow brick road to find The Wizard of Oz. Notice how the yellow brick road just happened to already be built and how it goes in circles where it starts? I think what the munchkins are attempting to do is disorient poor Dorothy.

This scene is similar to the way we tempt children with candy and pinatas. The kids think we're doing something fun for them but they have no clue what's really up. Call the neighborhood together. "Everyone bring your lawn chairs! We are going to blindfold the children, spin them around and watch them get dizzy until they fall down and we laugh our butts off! Bring the chicken and potato salad." We've been punking the kids long before the likes of Ashton Kucher.

This is great entertainment for us for the small price of a bag of candy and a pinata. Surely there are even more laughs to come when the neighbor who always drinks too much beer starts swinging that plastic bat at the pinata. Hopefully he loses his balance and crashes into the tree or trips on one of the kids' bikes and falls backwards. Who knows what else we can laugh at him about - maybe his butt crack is showing. Maybe a kid clobbers the drunk with the plastic bat when the drunk wanders too near the pinata. It's all good entertainment.

This is what the munchkins did to Dorothy.
Munchkin - "Oh, okay, you want to go home Dorothy? We're gonna make you run in circles and then send you to the drunken scarecrow for directions."
Dorothy - "And Toto too?!"

Dorothy being from a small town is very niave and falls for it. She ends up at a crossroads not knowing which way to go. So she meets a hobo scarecrow who got stabbed in the back with a nail and can't even stand up straight. He appears to have slept in a barn somewhere and she asks him for directions. Good Dorothy, very good.

That's exactly what I do when I get lost. I look for the dirtiest, shabbiest drunk I can find and say to myself, "Hey, that seems like a good guy to get directions from."

The scarecrow talks Dorothy into taking him to Oz because he figures he can get more beer there. He whines on and on about how he can't even scare a crow and Dorothy takes him along to protect her. Go figure.

Those flippin' munchkins were sitting on gold and didn't want anyone to find out about it. They sent Dorothy into the bad part of town so she'd get killed and couldn't tell anyone about the gold. For crying out loud, they had so much gold they paved the streets with it you ninny! How did you not notice that all these years?

Munchkin - "Listen carefully Dorothy. Find the drunken bum who has been stabbed and take him past the vicious trees that will pummel you with apples, make your way through the dark, dangerous forest, and then go past the flying, attack monkeys."
Dorothy - "Perfect! Thank you so much."

Have you ever been hit with an apple from an angry tree? Seeing that took some powerful mixture of hallucinogenic drugs. Those damn munchkins even drugged her!

They were afraid Dorothy would bring Trump to munchkin land and he'd take all the gold for his apartment and build a casino and hotel. And then of course Oprah would come to interview everyone involved and when Oprah comes, their little secret world would be blown out of the water. Don't you see? The couldn't let Dorothy escape. They had to put a hit out on her - they were the munchkin mafia.

The scarecrow was supposed to send her in the wrong direction but he screwed up. Then they sent in the tin man to do Dorothy in because he was sucking up all their oil reserves anyway. When he couldn't pull the job off, the lion stepped in and he botched everything up so bad that not only did they have to redrug Dorothy in the field of poppies but they also had to drug one of their own hit men - the stupid lion.

Somehow, miracle of miracles, these bumbling idiots made it to Oz and as Dorothy is about to get on the hot air balloon with alien head, if you watch closely, the traitor tinman unties the rope so the hot air balloon floats away without her. That heart he got must have had a 10 minute warranty because it didn't last 11 minutes.

In real life, Dorothy never made it back to Kansas - this is the story they don't want you to know. She tried to make it back to munchkin land for revenge but one of the flying monkeys bit her ear off in a fight so she couldn't hear the scarecrow anymore. When she first took on the part of Dorothy she was only 5 years old. By the time we saw her, she was 28. She was trying to find her way back to the munchkins all those years but the scarecrow's brain had the same 10 minute warranty so they mostly wandered around for 23 years eating apples.

I've heard some talk of a sequel called "Dorothy's Revenge" and we may hear more about it soon. She ended up marrying the scarecrow but he couldn't even hold down a job at Trump's casino because of his addiction to poppy seeds so she left him years ago. Toto's still with her thanks to Glenda who keeps giving Toto more lives but he's in a wheelchair now and on an applesauce diet. Dorothy's still out there right now...plotting...and she has the ax! Sometimes, if you stare very hard into the darkness, you'll see just a slight sparkle or glimmer of light and think nothing of it but don't ever forget the ruby slippers...