My friend Julie told me she was sick the other day and I told her, "Oh you poor thing" not because I meant it but because that's the response sick people want. When anybody says they are sick, what they are really saying is, "We're gonna play doctor whether you like it or not. I will list my symptoms while you sit there and daydream about whether or not you left the outside light on again." It's exactly the same as when I go see any doctor.
A sick person will complain relentlessly until you show sympathy so it's better to fake sympathy asap and get the sicko to shut up. Otherwise, you are in for a long list of gross symptoms. I told her I could definitely relate because I had just been sick which was actually one part of my reply that wasn't a lie.
I was so sick in the morning. Woke up with a sore throat and a head that felt like a hot air balloon. No, I am NOT exaggerating. It literally felt like someone was blowing fire into my Epcot Center sized throbbing head. If I were a character in a SyFy movie, I wouldn't be the good guy.
I drank a cup of coffee for my sore throat and waited for my ticking time bomb head to explode, hoping it wouldn't take too long because I thought maybe it would be interesting to go into the light and see what the heck all that hoopla was about.
My stupid head wouldn't explode so I wandered around the house aimlessly while waiting to see angels and Grandma Bertha who used to twist my ears for tattling on my brother. I was wondering what would happen if I decided to tattle on Grandma Bertha to God about the ear twisting because there's no way that God's cool with very painful ear twisting is there? Would God twist my ears too for tattling or would God twist Grandma Bertha's ears and let me watch and laugh?
What if God invited me to twist Grandma Bertha's ears - then what the hell would I do? It could be that whole "balance out the universe"/karma type thing but it could also be a set-up. Was God gonna see if I'd stoop as low as Grandma Bertha and then punish me for being bad? Because honestly, I really would enjoy twisting Grandma Bertha's ears and I always assumed that you get whatever you want in heaven. Another thing is, is that I'm a pretty low stooper.
I do understand that God wants all of us to take the higher road but I'm confused on the eye for an eye deal. The whole thing seems contradictory. And since I've never been the type of person to take the higher road, (I have boxes upon boxes of eyes) I'm pretty sure once I got ahold of Grandma Bertha's ears, I would twist those damn things up so tight that when I let go and they untwisted, she'd go whizzing away like a popped balloon.
So I'm pondering all of these deep philosophical thoughts and realize to my horror that I've just mixed up swear words with God thoughts and how that's not gonna get me good marks on my score card. Then I start thinking I'm in deep trouble with God now which leads to this thought: damn that Grandma Bertha - this is all HER fault!
So I layed down to moan and feel sorry for myself for becoming sick and now probably being doomed to hell and once I layed down, I realized something. Neither my throat nor my head hurt anymore! Here I thought I had the 24 hour flu and it was only the 24 minute flu.
At that point I was honestly sorry I wasn't sick because I already had planned on laying in bed all day moaning, watching tv, eating chicken soup and saltines, and enjoying it. Sometimes it's nice to be sick. Especially when you plan your sickness ahead.
Like when a friend tells you the date she is moving. You just tell her how you would love to help but you're positive you'll be sick that day. Or when you want a 3 day weekend then for sure you'll be sick on Friday. You know everyone at work knows you're lying but you don't even care because they do it too. On Monday people at work give you dirty looks for a couple hours but by the time you ask somebody to lunch, all is forgotten.
The only time I don't like being sick is when I really am sick. Then I am praying to God, Grandma Bertha, and anybody else who will listen.