When I’m rich and famous and Barbara Walters knocks on my door wanting an interview, I’m ready. She’ll probably ask me if I was a game show, what game show I’d be because she asks questions like that.
I would answer, “What is Jeopardy?” That would be a lie of course but it’s my interview and if I want to be Jeopardy, I will be. I’m really more of a Wheel of Fortune girl but Jeopardy is much more impressive.
Wheel of Fortune is so easy - I could win thousands on there. At home, I solve approximately 98.2% of the puzzles. If I went on the actual show, I’d probably solve 1.8% of them. My brain doesn’t work when there’s a television camera in my face and the world is watching.
The puzzle could be - H_T D_GS - and I’d guess, “Hate Drugs? Hut Digs?, Hit Dogs?” Then I would tell Pat Sajack that his puzzle makers are mean because I don’t hit dogs and I don’t like people who do. Either that, or when the camera was on me I’d just stand there drooling and not be able to answer at all.
One person who has it made on that show is Vanna. They don’t even need her to turn letters but they keep her anyway. All she has to do is fake turn them. She really doesn’t even have to turn the actual letter anymore, she just touches it and makes a bundle of money.
“We don’t want you to do anything but wear pretty dresses, high heels, and touch letters.” Really? How do I get a gig like that? Pretty soon they’ll tell her to just stand there in her pretty dress and wiggle her nose like Samantha on Bewitched and magically reveal the letters.
Next thing you know, she’ll be on a lounge chair in Tahiti with an umbrella drink and one of those pointing sticks teachers use just pointing at the letters on a tv screen. She won’t even have to sit up or go in to work, they’ll bring a film crew to her.
Here’s my idea. I say they have a game show that’s a competition for Vanna’s job. If Vanna wants it, she’s gonna have to fight for it with the rest of the crowd. Well good luck Vanna because I’ll be there. And you know who I’m getting my training from? Those ball grabbing guys at tennis matches. You ever notice how fast they move? They’re just a flash before your eyes.
So when it’s time to go up against Vanna to touch a letter, I’m gonna have tennis shoes on and spring at those letters like a grasshopper. I’ll even do a couple of back flips on my way there. They better reinforce the letters because I’ll be bouncing off them. If Vanna gets in my way, I’ll knock her down and stand on her back to get the higher letters if that’s what it takes. Vanna’s goin’ down. This would make Wheel of Fortune much more fun to watch.
I don’t do well in Jeopardy because it’s the adult version of Mother May I? (No it’s NOT because I don’t know the answers.) I have to answer in the form of a question and instead of that, I just blurt out the answer. Alex Trebek gets all high and mighty and enjoys the heck out of telling you you didn’t form your response as a question.
Really Alex? While you stand there acting so smart when they GAVE you all the answers. At least I’m out here screaming the answers in the wrong form which is more than I can say about you. By the way Alex, I have to go to the bathroom, Mother May I? Did I form my question properly?
I like the part where Alex lets each person tell a short little story or bit of information about themselves. These people who are smart enough to get on Jeopardy can’t ever tell an interesting incident about their lives.
Alex says, “And we have Mr. Einstein from Maine, it says here that you like to scuba dive, isn’t that right Albert?”
“That’s right Alex and I once went diving and found a piece of silver from a pirate ship.”
“My, my, that’s impressive Albert. I bet you have that safely stored in a safe deposit box.”
“No Alex, because it ended up being just a pop can tab so now I collect pop can tabs from around the world. Can I have yours?”
That’s kind of how their interesting little stories go. You end up scratching your head and asking, “Huh? Is that the best he/she had even with time to think of a best story?” That’s not even an interesting story, that’s a stupid thing you did and even dumber is the fact that you told it on national tv.
Maybe they can get more answers - excuuuuuuse me - questions right but I can tell way better stories and in life, what’s really more important anyway? Neither. Winning money is more important unless you have Vanna’s job.